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There was a time, both before and again later, when I practiced a studied imperturbability, a coolness on the surface that frequently gave the lie to the cauldron beneath. I certainly didn't suffer from alexithymia... that failure to recognize feelings when I had them. To the contrary, I was in heightened contact with my feelings. As a safe cracker might have sanded his fingertips, my emotional awareness was crackling with sensitivity. What I didn't know was how to really talk about them... my. "Lots of men are wearing them now," Kathy said. "Someone even wrote a song about them." "Really?" I said, looking down at myself in the thong. "Really," Kathy said. "But its so.revealing. I mean, my whole butt is bare!" Well, you did want a chance to show off your tattoo, didn't you? I mean, you didn't go through all that pain for nothing."I looked back at the little interlocking roses tattooed on my brown butt. Some time ago Kathy had taken me to a tattoo parlor. I'd always talked about. There were a few boxes to one side which I made a start on and carried down to the landing where Mum was waiting.“What’s it like up there?” she enquired, “Bad is it?”“No it’s fine” I replied opening the first of the boxes.“Ooo, they’re all yours and Mary’s old toys” she cooed.The other boxes contained old clothes, various ornaments that had gone out of fashion and basically junk. Mum sorted through the bits she wanted to keep and I loaded the rest into the van.On the next trip I brought down. This was it. Another big jump and change in my life.I had no idea what I was going to do when I went back. There was the G.I. bill to give me money for college if I wanted to finish. I had aspirations to be self employed, a brother in law and long time close friend who wanted to start a repair shop. I just didn’t know. Life change was upheaval. I was just 23 years old and in the past five years I had packed more living in that space than I would ever again, by far.Juliana and I stayed, slept on.
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